Welcome to “The Greatest Advice Column” from The Greatest Generation. To submit your own questions to Marty please email Marty@shenanigang.com
Dear Marty,
I recently graduated college and moved to a new city. I’m having trouble keeping in touch with all of my college friends. How can I make sure I don’t lose these relationships?
Okay kid this isn’t going to be easy because I am going to hit you with a few hard truths but I hope it will be productive.
One – Your college friends were for rent. They were temps, buddy. You needed them and they needed you. It was mutually beneficial and now it’s meaningless. I mean think about it. Do you really know these people or do they just have the same unread Pysch textbook as you? You have nothing in common outside of that one girl you both agree is cute but have never talked to. And guess what? That chick just got proposed to this year. I know you all promised each other that this would be forever but it won’t even be for another four years. In four years they will just be a random group of strangers who hold your deepest secrets and have knowledge about your most embarrassing moments. And that’s it.
Two – You don’t get to have many friends. I don’t know why from a very young age school teaches you that you get to have a big group of friends. That everyone in the class gets to come to your birthday party. It’s just blatant softie culture. We need to get dodgeball back in every school ASAP. You don’t get a big group of friends. In fact each year your circle of friends grows smaller. You get to have a wife or a husband. That’s what you get. It’s a real “one per person halloween trick or treat bowl” type of deal. Please take one. Some people take two but that’s only because they returned the first. And I guess there’s also mormons and shit but they don’t fit my candy analogy so forget em.
Three – So who DO you get to hang out with? Here’s the truth kid, in the future your friends will be picked out by your five year old child. Their dumb can’t-get-dressed-by-themselves ass is going to waddle around the playground and fall onto some other kid and that’ll determine your adult social life. You get to be friends with those kids parents. I hope you enjoy the soccer games! I hear sometimes it even rains.
Tired,
Marty
