Welcome to “The Greatest Advice Column” from The Greatest Generation. To submit your own questions to Marty please email Marty@shenanigang.com
Dear Marty,
I’ve been using dating apps recently to try to meet girls and it’s not going well. I’m not really getting any matches. I need help. What can I do to spruce up my profile and attract more matches. Thanks Marty!
Okay, so you’re just a young man who wants to have more sex? Got it. Here’s what you have to understand kid. This is a simple math equation. In life, you’re going to get rejected by the high majority of women you try to talk to. I’m talking upwards of 95%. Back in my day you had to walk up to a girl and tell her she was pretty just so she could tell you to your face that she isn’t interested. But there’s only so many girls you can walk up to. Now ,with all these dating apps, there is an endless amount of girls you can talk to. And guess what bud? That just means you are going to experience more rejection. We didn’t have the chance to get rejected as often as your generation does but believe me the success rate has not changed. That’s the type of math they should be teaching in school. None of this explain your answer bullshit. The kids have to know that more opportunities to meet women equals more opportunities to get denied by women.
That was the tough love part but I don’t want to leave you empty-handed so I’m going to help. There are three things you can do to increase your matches: lie, lie, lie. Dating is like interviewing for a new job. The hardest part is getting in the door so you have to fib about your qualifications and just worry about the details later. Fake it till you make it.
To be totally blunt, I can tell that you’re a pretty ugly fuck. Something about the way your email read. Pretty whiny. If I were you I’d consider using someone else’s picture. Now you may say that this is immoral but is it really any different than applying a full face of makeup or using one of those fancy apps to edit your pictures? I mean maybe but ehhh fooey. You think people who meet in poorly lit bars truly know who they are taking home? Not a chance. It’s like the Mystery flavor of Dum Dum lollipops; you don’t find out what you got until you open it up so the best you can do is just hope that it’s not pineapple flavored. This isn’t immoral it’s just good offense if the girl doesn’t know what you actually look like until she arrives to the date. Then it’s too late. Gotcha bitch! How does thirty years of love-less marriage sound?
Tired,
Marty
The Greatest Advice Column From The Greatest Generation
Authored By Marty The Mean
Please send all questions to Marty@shenanigang.com
