Welcome to “The Greatest Advice Column” from The Greatest Generation. To submit your own questions to Marty please email Marty@shenanigang.com
Dear Marty,
My ex texted me recently. I don’t want to come running back to her but to be honest I’m pretty lonely and wouldn’t mind getting back with her. Any advice for me?
Listen kid, there’s only one thing you need to know about relationships: It’s all about wins and losses. Score is being kept and someone is in the lead.
Now if the relationship is healthy and long lasting than the score doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who is scoring the goals if you are on the same team ya know? But do not be mistaken, the second you break up you are on separate teams. The score now matters.
I’m not even sure score is the best metaphor here. I’m rambling a bit. Think I’m still a bit grumpy because of last week’s fucking Giants game. Anyway, it’s probably more appropriate to say possession. Who is in possession of the power?
Now it’s time to listen real close kid. Get your eyes real close to the screen. Don’t worry it won’t hurt ’em. That’s just a horseshit rumor. The only time during the breakup that you are in possession of the power is when she reaches out to see you. That it is. The second you respond then power has been given back to her. Basketball chest pass style. Don’t live in your little millennial world thinking that since she reached out to you that you have something over on her. Nope, things are going to go back to the way they were. She is going to treat you like shit. And even worse she is going to make you feel like you were actually the one that reached out to her. Can ya believe that?
Getting back together with her will only feel good for a minute. Keep the power kid. Take your ball and go home. I hear there are tons of pictures of naked ladies on the internet anyway.
Tired,
Marty
The Greatest Advice Column From The Greatest Generation
Authored By Marty The Mean
Please send all questions to Marty@shenanigang.com
