By Amanda Bressner
I remember vividly, as some of you might, learning about self-esteem in middle school health class. My teacher informed us that the way you view yourself could be more or less favorable based on things like your friends, family, and job. Oddly enough, never on this list did she mention that my self-worth can be directly correlated with how close to the front of a trendy workout class I am.
I’ve tried many trendy workout classes in my time. Things like Soul Cycle, Orange Theory, and Title Boxing have certainly found their way onto my calendar. Every time, I show up extra early to ensure that after I slide into my bike shoes, put on my heart-rate monitor, or tighten my gloves I can shuffle to the very back of the class. Because, truth is, I’m not nearly fit enough to be anywhere but hidden amongst the other people who also signed up after eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream on the floor of their over-priced apartment.
I’ve always thought that as a lowly back row participant, I was worthless. The scum of the fitness world. I thought about how incredible it must feel to be the kind of person who could walk so confidently into a workout class and go directly to the front with no doubt they will be able to overcome every strain we’re about to put our bodies through. Do they even sweat? How do all the instructors know their names? Are they also on the verge of collapsing?
After moving across the country this summer, I did what anyone who knows nobody does: I got super into fitness. My trendy workout of choice is CorePower Yoga, a chain of yoga studios that offers different types of yoga classes including hot yoga and “yoga sculpt” (a yoga class that incorporates weights). After attending classes almost every day for months, I realized I was actually getting pretty good at the poses. I even stopped feeling like I was going to pass out 30 minutes into class! Then one day I did it. I built up the nerve to place my mat down in the front row of class.
The question that had been on my mind for years was finally answered—do people in the front row of trendy workout classes really think they’re better than the rest of us? The answer is fuck YES. Not only do I think I’m better than the middle and back rows, I mother-fucking know it! Chair pose? You’d think I’m actually in a chair. Don’t know what fallen star pose is? That’s fine, just follow my lead. Crow pose? Watch me fly, losers! The instructors compliment me by name in front of the whole class so many times I’m almost embarrassed.
This isn’t to say that if you aren’t in the front row you aren’t in good shape. It’s simply stating that by my experience alone I have found conclusive evidence that the value of an individual can be determined exactly by where in a trendy workout class they feel the most comfortable participating.
