As the Superbowl was last night, and we are currently enduring one of the hardest Mondays of the year, I thought this would be a perfect time to remind everyone that sports are not just a stupid waste of time but they are also a legit deterrent to professional success.
Whoa whoa whoa Daniel, why are you coming in so hot on a Monday? You seem super bitter that football is over and that the Super Bowl was a huge disappointment. Chill bro.
No you chill bro! Wake up people! No you know what, don’t just take my word for it, let’s take a look at the numbers:
For 5 months of the year, 41.67% of the months, football owns a day of the week. There are seven days of the week for normal people but only 6 days of the week for football fans. Now if you are sitting at your computer thinking “but football is on the weekend when you should be relaxing” then this blog ain’t for you. Zuckerberg and Bezos needed the full seven days of the week. I’m sure of that.
Second, there is not one sports fan who doesn’t dream of one day owning a sports team. And guess what else? There is not one sports fan who DOES own a sports team. I’ve never seen one super fan in the owner’s suite. No fat guy with a target painted on his belly. No adult man dressed as a pirate. No boltman. NO FUCKING BOLTMAN!!
No superfan could ever own a team because they are too busy worshiping their team to ever be productive enough to be a billionaire. Nope, billionaires are just nerds who get too much money and don’t have enough creativity to come up with their own dreams so they steal the dreams of hardcore sports fans and buy a team.
Finally, look at the perfection of the yearly sports calendar. How is it that all of the most exciting moments in sports perfectly lead into one another? No big moments overlap. There is not a moment to breathe. There is no month devoid of distraction. Football ends right when it’s time to start paying attention to basketball?? Oh but wait, it looks like the people are getting restless. I got an idea – let’s create a ridiculous tournament of champions among 19 year old basketball players. That will distract them for a full MONTH!! Throw in a little baseball during the dog days of summer and an Olympics or World Cup here or there and our schedules are filled year round.
Listen, some people like, or even need, this constant distraction. I love football. I get it. I just can’t help but think about how stinking rich we’d all be if sports didn’t exist. That’s really all that’s holding us back from creating the next big app. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask the Winklevoss twins.
