It’s a sad day and I’m sorry it has come to this but it’s time for me to make my position public. As of today, I will officially no longer be accepting dates from female celebrities.
This is not something I wanted to go public with but following the news of the Ariana Grande -Pete Davidson split I feel I’ve been left with no choice. And yes, if you were wondering, this is purely precautionary. I don’t want to speak in absolutes but, according to my intuition, no female celebrity is currently interested in dating me. But that’s okay because that makes two of us baby!
When the news of Pete and Ariana broke so did the internet. It was everywhere. I’m just not prepared to be under that big of a microscope. I have a hard enough time swallowing the reality that everything I say and do will be relayed to five text group chats and workshopped in your living room with your roommates. I say and do a lot of dumb things. I’d say I pretty much exclusively live in stupidville. It’s comfortable. But if i’m not getting rave reviews from roommate focus groups then I think it’s best for everyone that your 8 million twitter followers don’t know who I am.
Okay, so all of the above is pertinent to anyone found casually dating a famous person. But don’t get me started on what happens if you become famous for being together. There is nothing worse than people latching onto your relationship to fill a void in their own lives. Listen, we’re all lonely losers. But falling in love with a celebrity couple is not the way to fix that. Getting obsessed with a celebrity couple puts insane pressure of that couple to continue to please their followers with their #CoupleGoals. Remember what happened when Chris Pratt and Anna Faris split? People were calling it the end of love as we know it. Could you imagine if Chrissy Teigen and John Legend ever broke up? We’d all have to take the day off from work to deal with that. I can’t be the public symbol of love. I can barely pick the correct emoji to use on Tinder.
So that’s it. My sincerest apologies to all the beautiful famous women out there but I have to politely decline your potential invitation to drinks and dinner. It would have been great. I’m sure we’d have tons laughs sprinkled nicely between all of the meaningful conversation. Ahh just thinking about it sure is enticing but no unfortunately now is just not the right time.Maybe eventually. But for now I must stand by this decision.
Now before I go I just want to add one final thing. And I didn’t think I’d have to explicitly say this, but just so no one is mistaken, I need everyone to know that absolutely everything stated above should be treated as complete trash garage non-binding null and void nonsense if , and when, Camila Cabello finally comes around to the idea of dating me. Wonder what the press would call us? Damila? Camiel? hmm not sure. But like I said, for now we wait. And the women of the world weep.
