It’s been 13 years and STILL no one wants to talk about how the villain in “Twitches”, the hit disney movie starring Tia and Tamera Mowry, was just the “darkness”. Well I’m here to put an end to that. Hi PC police! You better hold onto your seats and get your angry takes ready because I’m not pulling any punches here.
Listen, I know this is an extremely divisive topic. Nobody wants to talk about how the villain in “Twitches”, the hit Disney movie starring Tia and Tamera Mowry, was just the “darkness”. As a nation, we have been blatantly and irresponsibly ignoring this fact but I say no more. I just wholeheartedly believe that just because a topic is uncomfortable to discuss that does not mean we should just avoid it. The first step is admitting that something went wrong. Then, and only then, can we begin to heal.
Many are going to question my motives behind writing this. What do I have to gain? Why take the risk? Why now? Can’t we just leave this alone. I’m sure it’ll go away by itself. No. No, no, no, no, no. That’s just not the world I want my future kids to grow up in. A world where the villain in “Twitches”, the hit Disney movie starring Tia and Tamera Mowry, was just the “darkness”, and we just let it slide.
And that’s what it all comes down to. The kids. There will be a time when my curious offspring discovers Disney Channel movies . And sure they’ll start on the classics. But how long can I honestly expect to distract them with Brink and Smart House before the fateful day when they say “papa, in the hit Disney movie “Twitches”, starring Tia and Tamera Mowry, why is the villain just “the darkness”, why papa, why!” Now you tell me, how the hell am I going to explain that to my kids? And even worse, how do I explain that while this was going on I just sat there and did nothing. Papa is a useless loser. Sorry this is how you had to find out.
So in a last ditch effort to save the relationship with my future children, it’s time we talk about it. Yes, it’s true. The villain in “Twitches”, the hit Disney movie starring Tia and Tamera Mowry, was just the “darkness”.
We can sit here in our metaphorical agora and debate how we let this happen for the next several decades but personally I find that to be a futile gesture best left for less important topics such as who is the greatest basketball player of all time. No, we must look towards the future and instead ask what do we do now to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. I have taken it upon myself to devise a 3 point plan for how our nation can move past this:
- No more famous twins. This is a Hollywood gimmick that we keep falling for. Between the Mowrys, Olsens, and Sprouses, tween culture of the late 90s and early 2000s was run by twins. And just when it looked like we were in the clear, like we had rid showbiz of all twins, the Sprouses went and got super goodlooking. Fuck. Fool us once shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on both of you.
- No more witch stories. Every few years a generation is defined by the mythical creature they get obsessed with. You got wizards and witches in the Harry Potter era. Vampires in the Twilight Era. Star theater kids who are also the best basketball player on their team in the High School Musical Era. We need a new mythical genre with a built-in and reasonable villain. I propose centaurs and their obvious nemesis (human pants).
- Go Brink or Go Home. If you are a Disney executive and a script comes across your desk you have to ask yourself “wait, is this Brink?” If the answer to that question is no then the script must go directly in the trash.
Am I a hero for this? No, I don’t think so. Sure what I am doing is selfless and good for humanity but it wouldn’t be becoming of me to call myself a hero. No, to me the true definition of a hero is someone who stops in the middle of a rollerblading race to help out their rollerblading rival whom they believe to be injured because at the end of the day being a good person is more important than street rollerblading competitions.
Interested in writing for Shenanigang.com? Email us as Contact@shenanigang.com to become a contributor!
