It’s official. Those goddamn Millennials have taken the last sacred part of this great country and thrown it in the trash. Football is supposed to be a war of attrition. Long and grueling. Not this high flying, super charged, touchdown circus that was forced upon us on Monday night when those two prepubescent, never worked a day in their lives, entitled quarterbacks, Jared Goff and Patrick Mahomes, took the field two days ago. You can barely even call that a football game. More like a game of “Whose Line Is It Anyway” where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. Over 100 points? OVER 100 POINTS!?!? I’ve been fuming for days.
When we left baseball behind as America’s pastime and adopted football as America’s favorite sport it was with the clear understanding that things would not get too fun or exciting. Baseball is slow and boring. The American way! And I’m okay with football but not at this speed. No sir. I didn’t know who was up and who was down. Who was playing for which team. Who’s living room I was in. Where my girlfriend went. Why had she been out for so long? Was she really just getting coffee with Rick from work or was it something more? Was taking my rage about sports out on her hurting our relationship in the long term? So many solid questions and so much confusion and it’s all because of this new age of football.
I’m so full of rage and I need to find someone to blame for this atrocity. So I’m looking to the millennials. I mean let’s look at the facts. There are a ton of new young quarterbacks. Goff. Mahomes. Darnold. Mayfield. Rosen. Trubitsky. All in their young 20’s. And just like young 20-somethings they are impulsive, reckless, and want instant gratification. Everyone wants a participation touchdown. I mean do you even have to work for these things anymore?? No no let’s just give em’ to everyone. And no one wants to wait and put in the work. Wentz just had to go to the Superbowl in his second season. And then he had the stupid entitled gall to not even show up to the damn thing. Millennials. They are the cause of all of my sadness and now they’ve taken the last thing that distracts me from the fact that I think my girlfriend is sleeping with Rick from work.
