Some people scan NFL rosters in the offseason, looking for the necessary holes to plug to create a championship contender. Some people scan NFL rosters looking for trade candidates to get their team over the hump. I scan NFL rosters trying to imagine what everyone’s penis looks like.
Welcome to: Packing heat or lacking heat.
A few notes: 1) I’m going off of 2018 NFL rosters, 2) I’m looking to stay away from the easy, stereotypical answers, and 3) I enjoyed this way too much.
Let’s start with the NFC – the AFC will follow.
NFC
North
Chicago Bears
Packing Heat: The impetus for this little exercise came from a debate I used to have with my cousins many years ago about who we thought had the most monstrous dong in the NFL. We all agreed at the time that it was Brian Urlacher, and that he would shock the world. But as I said above, we’re going off of the 2018 roster. Just wanted to give that little background and shoutout.
In terms of current Bears, Khalil Mack is an easy answer. Why do you think they’re called “sacks?” You also can’t go wrong with Pro Bowl DE Akiem Hicks, who lines up at all of 6-5, 332 pounds. No chance that carrot’s a baby.
Just to let you know, if you search “Chicago Bears Penis” on Google, it takes you straight to Dick Butkus. Also for the record, I spared you the cheesiness of going with Kyle Long. You’re welcome.
Lacking Heat: Unquestionably, Cody Parkey. People think that the worst kicker in the NFL last season simply needed a wider goalpost on his season-ending playoff miss against Philadelphia. I personally think he need a wider cut of weiner wood between his legs.
Wild Card: Hard to get a read on a man named “Tarik Cohen.”
Detroit Lions
Packing Heat: Matt Prater has the biggest leg in the NFL, which should naturally extend to his third one. Would’ve said MegaDong if he hadn’t retired. Also, anyone remember this from LeGarrette Blount?
Lacking Heat: Ricky Jean Francois. I’m assuming this guy is French, right?
Wild Card: Theo Riddick has to know a thing or two about dick, it’s in his name. He may be tied for the second-shortest guy on the team at 5-9, but this is one penis that cannot be counted out.
Green Bay Packers
Packing Heat: I thought Nico Siragusa would be a good pick here at 6-4, 330. But I’m disappointed to find out that he’s not related to Tony Siragusa, so I’m going with tackle Bryan Bulaga. Can’t go wrong with a guy named after a whale.
Lacking Heat: DeShone Kizer is a Bruno Mars- looking pussycat of a quarterback. I also just assume anyone who went to Notre Dame is weak in the weewee.
Wild Card: On one hand, you always gotta look out for the former basketball players when it comes to pork sword. By that logic, Jimmy Graham should be head hog. But the other hand, this albino ginger mother$#@!er already looks like a defiance of God.
Minnesota Vikings
Packing Heat: Linval Joseph is 330 pounds of man. Plus he was born in the Caribbean, though I’m not quite sure what that means. Or do I…
Lacking Heat: There are a lot of good candidates on the Vikings, but let’s go with Andrew Sendejo. There’s a great story about him answering the door for the pizza delivery man in nothing but his underwear. Apparently, Sandejo is a poor tipper. Literally and figuratively.
The delivery man, upon getting home, tweeted this: “@Asendejo if you’re gonna open the door for the delivery guy in your underwear and make him stare at your tiny dick, tip more #shittytipsendejo.”
It’s also worth noting this picture of Everson Griffen.
Wild Card: Hard to get a read on Chad Beebe, son of former NFLer Don Beebe. He’s got kind of a junkie vibe going on, sometimes those dudes have a strong dong. Also, you have to get a look at CJ Ham, the fullback. This picture looks like it was resized and stretched out in Microsoft Powerpoint. I’ll bet Ham has a ferocious tree stump.
East
Dallas Cowboys
Packing Heat: Leighton Vander Esch may have taken the linebacker’s mantle from Urlacher in terms of the King Kong of Ding Dong. I’m not sure why, but I’m envisioning him having an absolute hammer. It’s frustrating the number of measurements they take at the combine without doing the most important one.
Lacking Heat: Dak Prescott. Anyone who does the Campbell’s Soup commercials has a stunt in the front. Donovan, I love you, but I’m talking about you too.
Wild Card: How could I not shout out Tyron Smith here. He’s an absolute beast on the field, and you know the man has some height in his tights.
New York Giants
Packing Heat: Dalvin Tomlinson. Too ugly not to have a python.
Lacking Heat: Punter Riley Dixon is one of the NFL’s preeminent redheads. I am unsure as to how this affects penis size, but I’m assuming for the worse.
Wild Card: Are we actually supposed to believe that Nate Stuparr is a linebacker, let alone a football player? This guy knows something we don’t. And it’s probably that he has a huge dick.
Philadelphia Eagles
Packing Heat: Everyone knows the answer here is Nick Foles. For you non-Eagles fans, you may have heard the moniker “Big Dick Nick” over the last two seasons and simply thought it was bestowed upon him for his clutch-time heroics. But the legend of BDN began well before that. Back in 2014, former Eagles linebacker Connor Barwin was participating in one of Reddit’s infamous Q&A sessions. Barwin gamely chose to answer a question about who had the biggest dong in the locker room.
“Doesn’t the internet know it’s Nick Foles?”
Then, more stories started coming out. The nickname “Big Dick Nick” allegedly harkened back to his University of Arizona days, where the six-foot-six QB had a penis so notorious that women were afraid to sleep with him. Rumor spread that it was so big, Foles had to fold it several times just to fit in his cup.
Add this to some of the most legendary performances in playoffs and late-season history, and you’ve got one big dick.
Lacking Heat: Alshon Jeffery is way too goofy, and may have the least swag of anyone on the Eagles.
Wild Card: Fletcher Cox deserves a shoutout here for some fantastic penis antics. A North Carolina man literally sued Cox for seducing his wife and subsequently breaking up his marriage. He sent her pictures of his enormous wang and told her he’d like to get her pregnant. For the record, this (ex-)husband sounds like an absolute cuck.
Washington Redskins
Packing Heat: Anyone named Moses has an absolute staff. Morgan Moses is 6-6, 335, and probably has enough penis to use as a belt.
Also, we have to give a shoutout to Vernon Davis here, as the man has a member so massive that it was once the only way to tackle him. Davis even demanded the NFL make a rule change afterwards. I’m serious.
Lacking Heat: Colt McCoy. Maybe everything isn’t bigger in Texas.
Wild Card: Josh Norman looks like a donkey, so I’m assuming his junk followed suit.
South
Atlanta Falcons
Packing Heat: I like Jack Crawford. He has the same name as a character in my favorite film of all time. This has nothing to do with anything, but he probably has a big penis.
Lacking Heat: Bear with me on this one, it’s gonna take some convincing. I’m going Julio Jones. The guy just doesn’t look right. He’s been a stud receiver in the league for years now, but he frankly has the facial structure of a woman and I could see him needing to set the thermostat high.
Wild Card: Steven Means. Do you know what Steven Means? Steven Means business.
Carolina Panthers
Packing Heat: Greg Olsen. Don’t believe me? He’ll tell you himself! Skip to 6:05. (If you don’t know the story behind this rap, look it up. It’s legendary.)
Lacking Heat: Kawann Short. Not funny? Fine, Cole Luke. Dumb name, it should be Luke Cole. Plus, he went to Notre Dame.
Wild Card: Watch out for Julius Peppers. As I said earlier, beware of the former basketball players. With his retirement this offseason, the Panthers will be looking for a new heir to the hardware.
New Orleans Saints
Packing Heat: Teddy Bridgewater. Everyone’s seen this before. And if it’s real, I don’t think the term “horsecock” has ever been more appropriate.
Lacking Heat: Manti T’eo. The dude had a fake girlfriend, who he thought was falsely dead. But it turned out the fake girlfriend wasn’t falsely dead – she was falsely alive! Except the fake girlfriend was actually a dude on the internet! Tiny peepee.
And even without that, what did I tell you about guys from Notre Dame?
Wild Card: PJ Williams. Does PJ stand for Petite Junk? Or Penis Jumbonis? We’re not sure, and there’s definitely no way to find out.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Packing Heat: Gerald McCoy. We all know what McCoy is capable of. (3:55)
Lacking Heat: There have long been rumors that DeSean Jackson is at the bottom of the pecker order. Jameis Winston is definitely right behind him. No, not like that.
Wild Card: Rakeem Nunez-Roches. I mean, is this guy Black, Hispanic, or Irish?
West
Arizona Cardinals
Packing Heat: If the front matches the back, it’s Larry Fitzgerald by a country mile.
Lacking Heat: You want me to say Josh Rosen, don’t you.
Wild Card: If you’ve ever eaten pasoni tasini, you know how delicious of a dish it is. Actually, Pasoni Tasini is a defensive end on the Cardinals, not something you eat with falafel. File him under big dick.
Los Angeles Rams
Packing Heat: Aqib Talib is definitely packing heat. And I don’t mean that he has a formidable penis, which he very well might. I mean that he most likely literally has a gun on him.
Lacking Heat: Todd Gurley is the easy choice for his last name and vanishing act down the stretch for LA’s Super Bowl run.
Wild Card: It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about – if we’re discussing the Rams’ roster, you have to bring up Aaron Donald. While the man certainly has a sledgehammer, I’d like to use this opportunity to resurface one of my all-time favorite pieces of game tape. Enjoy.
San Francisco 49ers
Packing Heat: Fullback Kyle Juszczyk. If you follow football, you know that the fullback position has been getting phased out over the last 10-15 years. And yet, nobody seems to have told Juszczyk, who in March of 2017 still got the Niners to give him a four-year, $21 million dollar deal, the largest contract for a fullback in NFL history. That’s a big-dick guy getting big-dick money.
Lacking Heat: That pesky, annoying, shit-talking, nose-rubbing cornerback Richard Sherman. Insecure as they come, short as a cameo.
Wild Card: What does DJ Jones stand for? Is it Dinky…ah shit I used this bit already. I don’t know, there’s a dude named Jaquiski Tartt on the roster, someone look him up.
Seattle Seahawks
Packing Heat: Anyone named Barkevious Mingo has to be careful when doing sit-ups.
Lacking Heat: I’m so positive that the answer here is Russell Wilson that I almost don’t feel the need to explain further. This article is hilarious.
Wild Card: Kam Chancellor also has a small penis.
