With the release of the Toy Store 4 trailer, there was a lot of debate in my workplace on whether Disney was taking a big risk and potentially ruining what was heavily regarded as a perfect ending to a perfect trilogy. I mean Toy Story is the greatest trilogy of all time. Right?
Yeah right. In what world?
I mean the toy story trilogy is good but come on it’s not the best trilogy of all time. So it begs the question: what is the greatest movie trilogy of all time?
Okay let’s set the ground rules first. I think in order to be considered the greatest movie trilogy of all time every movie in the trilogy has to be an absolute banger. Even if the first two movies are gold, if the third movie is trash, then the trilogy is disqualified. Right off the top that takes out some heavy hitters. Sorry Godfather. Bye Hangover. See Ya Matrix.
Okay so what are we left with. You’re probably itching to bring back Toy Story. Maybe you want to reach for Mighty Ducks 3 aka D3 but honestly that movie is a bit iffy. Always made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Not sure why. Kind of feels like when a TV show does a “College Years” season.
So without further ado I present to you my bid for greatest trilogy of all time. And before I say this I want it to be clear that this is not a joke whatsoever. If I was being facetious I would have wrote this in Glibbery but no I’m being straight up serious and I’d like to see anyone bring a legitimate case against my pick.
The greatest trilogy of all time is Spy Kids.
There, I said it. Rock solid from top to bottom. Not a hitch in the whole series. I can feel your disagreement through the screen. Let’s dive deep.
First movie. Holy shit. So much to unpack. So first these normal kids find out that their normal parents are actually professional spies and the uncle they’ve known all their life is just some random other spy. Damn. Immediately every kid in the theater is looking at their parents like “yo if you’re a spy you better tell me that shit right now I ain’t playing”. Then these kids find out their parents have been kidnapped by a madman who also is the main character of their favorite television show. What? If I found out Miranda Cosgrove, of iCarly fame, kidnapped my parents in real life, I’m straight up planting a white flag. I am not getting involved in a fight with the star of my favorite TV show. I’m their demographic. They have too much insight on me. Skipping ahead a bit, hundred of kids have been cloned and robots have been made from their likeness. So now there is a super charged kid robot army which is scary as hell. To this day I’m not truly sure how they defeated them. Also, there’s this mad man turning spies into cartoon monsters. Again, scary as hell. And if that wasn’t enough there’s these fucking thumb things running around.
Like what the absolute shit was that. I love it. Can’t get enough. Oh and Danny Trejo is in this movie. 10/10.
And that’s just the first movie. The second movie starts and you’re like okay how are you going to expand my imagination and make me grow as a person this time Spy Kids? But goddam do they deliver. I’m going to start cutting corners because I can’t give a synopsis of the whole series but basically we get dropped into this magical island where they just have all these mashed up animals.
SpiderMonkey
Slizzard
Spork (Pig + Stork)
CatFish
HorseFly
Fuck the plot. Who cares? This is enough for me. 10/10.
Now let’s get into the main event. The third installment. This is often where most movies fall off. They can’t keep up. The pressure mounts and they crumble. But not Spy Kids. Nope, Spy Kids turned it the fuck up and said you know what, let’s go 3D on these fuckers. Jesus Spy Kids save some good movies for the rest of Hollywood because currently it’s a blow out. Spy Kids 3D Game Over is an absolute classic. The whole movie happens inside a video. The action is unparalleled. I’m geeking just thinking about the giant robot fights, the baton battles on floating platforms, and the dueling race car sequence. I’m sweating. I’m literally 25 years old and those scenes are still so fucking cool.
If that doesn’t get you juiced then wake up. Oh and Sylvester Stallone and Salma Hayek absolutely crush. How Sylvester Stallone didn’t get nominated for his role as Toymaker is a crime bigger than not destroying the third brain even though the head scientist gave you clear instructions to do so (call back to Sky Kids 1)
Basically what I’m saying is if you don’t think Spy Kids is the greatest trilogy of all time then you’re just not the Guy, guy.
