Listen, I’m not going to sugarcoat this. It’s 2019 so if you aren’t out here cheating on your girlfriend publicly then you are sadly behind the times my friend.
Now you may be thinking, how can I write such an incriminating title? I mean what does my girlfriend think? Well, lucky for her, she doesn’t exist. But Daniel what about future girlfriends who may see this? Eh. There’s a 50/50 shot that global warming makes Earth uninhabitable before I get a girlfriend so I’ll take my chances.
Anyway, I think it’s officially time that everyone stops complaining about getting cheated on and just accepts that as a part of life . Now, I wasn’t always this pessimistic but due to recent events, I have come to the conclusion that any one can get it. Just watch:
For some context, Bradley Cooper is not single. Thus, this is straight up the closest thing to publicly cheating on your significant other I have ever seen. Anyone with a brain can feel the sexual tension dripping off these two. But at least it’s not like Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend was in the audience or anything right? Wait, what’s that? Oh she was sitting front row and looked like a third wheel for the duration of the awards show?
Okay well I’m sure she must be some troll right? Some bum that Bradley accidentally started dating although everyone expects him to cheat when he finds a more beautiful woman. Uh oh.
oh no.
Please stop.
So i just ran the numbers, and Irina Shayk is statistically the most beautiful person alive. At least that’s what science says.
Which brings me to my final point: If Bradley Cooper can openly lust for Lady Gaga on the world’s biggest stage while his gorgeous girlfriend watches, can you really be mad at Tyler, a dude you met at a dive bar, for hooking up with a girl that looks like you.
Anybody can get it. This is the new wave. Tristan Thompson cheated not because he’s a dumb dumb idiot but because he’s ahead of the curve. Also, I didn’t want to bring this up because I’m scared of the beyhive but Jay Z cheated on Beyonce. Fucking Beyonce!
You’re all out here shouting about how sexually free and open-minded you are. Yeah prove it. You think you’re progressive? You think you’re trendy? Cheat on your girlfriend and then let the world know!
