With the recent reunion, and immediate success, of the Jonas Brothers I started to think about what would happen if other boy bands got back together. Immediately, One Direction, the biggest pop group of this decade, came to mind. And then immediately after that, I got mad.
Every single one of those handsome fuckers has had a hit on the radio since leaving the band. Every. Single. One. Look at all these hits. It’s ludicrous.
And for most of them, it’s not just one hit. Each of them are having a successful solo career and that’s absolute horseshit. Yep this is where I’m drawing the line. It’s just not just. Completely against the rules of being a boy band. The idea that everyone from a boy band can go on and have their own careers only perpetuates the idea that more boy bands should break up and I just can’t have that. I need the dudes who know they can’t make it on their own to continue to keep the group together. There has to be one clear star and then everyone else begging that guy to do one more tour. If the rest of the band is lucky they may even be able to negotiate a quick appearance during the star’s future halftime show performance.
It’s just that the whole system comes crashing down if the majority of the group is Justin Timberlakes. It only works if the majority of the group is Joey Fatones. Do you know that I didn’t even need to google the names of the guys in One Direction? Back in their One Direction days I only knew Harry and was damn proud of it. But now I’ve heard of every single one of these pretty assholes. The only reason I know Joey Fatone’s name is because it’s become synonymous with “obscure ex-member of a boy band”. He’s famous for not being famous. I still struggle to name the other members of N’sync off the top of my head. It’s just JT and a bunch of Fatones.
All I’m saying is that I’m scared. I am full of fear. The thought of them one day reuniting keeps me up at night. We’ve seen the excitement surrounding the backstreet boys getting back together and they basically have no stars. We’ve now seen the Jonas brothers get back together and they have two stars. What’s going to happen to our beautiful earth when five of the world’s biggest pop stars get together to make song? Is Google equipped to handle that level of search traffic or will they have to close up shop? Are there enough seats in Madison Square Garden or will they have to build a second one? And most importantly, does James Corden have enough seats in his car for the inevitable Carpool Karaoke or are they going to have to upgrade to an SUV? I wince at the possibility.
