I wanted to start a new series called “How Much?” It’s similar to would you rather, but it identifies the monetary compensation necessary to do something absolutely egregious, typically in your office. Enjoy!
How much would someone have to pay you to shit your pants in the office? Here are the conditions:
- It’s not just an oopsie fart – I’m talking a solid turd or two, and it fucking stinks
- You have to sit in it for at least 20 minutes, and you can’t run and hide somewhere
- Everyone in the vicinity smells it, and sees the brown stain
- You can’t leave your job for eight months afterwards
- You can’t tell people you’re doing it for money
There’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, whatever industry you work in in New York City, it’s a small industry. Everybody knows everybody. Even if you wait out those eight months like a pro, once you get to your new company, somebody who works there is probably going to be boys with someone who used to work with the poop guy.
And speaking of those eight months, two-thirds of a year known as the poop guy is no easy matter. Every day you get to work, you know people are thinking about it. Your close friends will give you shit, and eventually move on. But it’s the one’s who know you tangentially, who know of you, who will keep the story alive and make sure it spreads like Nutella.
Then, there are the more minor (but still agonizing) parts. You definitely wouldn’t get fired, you could easily say it was an accident. But you have to sit in your own fecal matter for at least 20 minutes, that’s gonna cause a major rash. And bye-bye jeans. And that smell.
And be ready for the merciless nicknames. “Dookie Dave.” “Burt Squirt.” “Brown Spot Scott.” And not everyone is as clever as the others are. Be ready for “Poop Man,” and “That Guy Who Shat Himself.”
What would you have to do to live this down: A lot. First off, you gotta wait out the eight months in shame. The second, and I mean the second, it’s over, you’re changing jobs. No, industries. You gotta change industries, and if you wanna stay in the same industry, you have to move cities. And you have to be okay with leaving behind all connections you made.
Then there are the material costs. New boxers, pants, and baby powder to ease your way out of that rash.
How much would some have to pay me to shit my pants in the office? $31,506
