Two days ago it was announced that Brown’s head coach, Hue Jackson, was fired after winning only 3 out of 40 games coached. So now with defensive coordinator, Gregg Williams, acting as interim head coach, the Cleveland Browns are gearing up to hire their 10th coach since 1999. And you know what? I’d like to throw my hat in the ring.
I’ll be straight up with you, and this probably isn’t the best thing to say when going for a new job, I don’t know a damn thing about coaching a football team. I don’t even know enough to shake my head and yell at the TV from my couch. Whenever the annoucers question a play call or a defensive scheme I just think to myself “eh they probably know better than me. And I’m hungover. What the hell do I know? Good try Andy Reid”. Or something like that.
But all of that doesn’t mean I can’t coach the Cleveland Browns. Ohhhh I’d still coach the shit out of the Cleveland Browns. I mean I wouldn’t give much direction. No playbook. No gameplan. Might not even really show up to practice. But that’s the luxury of being coach of the Cleveland Browns. That’s what it’s all about baby. That’s why I want a shot at this job. Because deep down I’m pretty sure that if you hand me that clipboard and headset for 40 Sundays in a row then I’m accidentally going to win a handful. I don’t know the exact number. More than 3 though that’s for sure. Okay 8. Deep down I think I could win about 8.
Who cares? That’s not even what this blog is about. Win or lose I want that job. I mean honestly, is there a better job in the world? No one expects anything of you. You could literally do almost anything and people would be like “oh boy would ya look at that, team is trending upwards, he must be doing something right” Nah, you idiots! You could get lucky and do better than any of your predecessors. Any sort of winning is trending upwards. And that’s the kind of job we should all aspire to have. One where the person who did it before us messed up so bad that anything you add will be seen as heroic.
Okay enough Browns bashing. I mean I am a Jets fan so that’s about as far as I can take it. But this topic got me thinking: Besides Brown’s new head coach, what are some of the other best jobs in the world?
Game Show Host
Now this is a gig. Work about three days a month. Good paycheck. No stress. Sign me up for this. And I’m not even being greedy. I don’t need to be Alex Trebek or Howie Mandel. I don’t need the fame. I don’t want to be on primetime. I’d take the late morning slot. If you want to be generous you can give me The Price Is Right but honestly I’m fine with Let’s Make A Deal. Heck, I’d even take the one where the people run around the supermarkets with the shopping carts. I don’t care one bit. That would be a ball. And I haven’t even mentioned the best part. When you’re a gameshow host you get to be the entertainment to people who are home sick from school or work. That’s a blessing. Those people respect your craft. You can go spend millions of dollars on a Netflix show only for people to be on Twitter the whole time they watch. Or you can spend a few hundred dollars buying useless bullshit for contestants to guess the price of and bring joy to people in their weakest state. Hmmmmm. I’ll take door number 2.
United States Press Secretary
Due to the current political climate and tension between the White House and the press you’d probably think that this would be a bad job. I disagree. Honestly, seems like a good bit of fun. First off you get a podium. Sick. That’d be enough for me but oh boy there’s more. Every day you get to go up there in front of the press and they ask you to clarify what some other guy said. That’s just English class for adults. Some old guy said some stuff and now you’re responsible to tell everyone what they really meant by it. What was the hidden meaning behind the text? Where was the symbolism? It’s all about bsing. Plus it seems like it would be fun to be friends with the press. Give em attitude from time to time. Roast them in front of the other members of the press and demand that your quotes go on the record. I think Scaramucci had it right. Get up there. Shake your hands around a lot. And just kind of say whatever your gut tells you to. World keeps turning.
Queen of England
So this clearly isn’t a job I can attain but that doesn’t mean it should just be excluded from the list of best jobs in the world. I mean talk about coasting. This lady doesn’t really have to do anything but she’s super rich and people respect her. Worship her basically. I mean that’s what everyone aspires to isn’t it? Be absolutely filthy rich and widely respected without having to work.
Well that might be the dream for everyone else but that’s not what’s got me chasing that Queen job. No sir. For me it boils down to one word: Hats. Oh boy do I want to rock some of those hats. Right now it’d be silly. At my current state in life. With my salary. With my bone structure. No. A hat just won’t work. But watch out because if I ever get my hands on that throne I’m going to touch the sky with my hats. They may run out of feathers when I’m Queen.
Wayne Brady
When I was writing the game show host paragraph it made me think of Wayne Brady. Man, it would be cool to be that guy. Not much of a job I guess but still. That guy has got it all. Makes ya think. Yeah, I’d be that guy.
Kk going to go work on my resume to become Wayne Brady.
