Hating baseball has become wildly popular recently. Sure, it’s fallen a bit behind other sports. It doesn’t have the non-stop action of the NBA, nor does it have the perfect, once-a-week cadence of the NFL. There’s 162 games and maybe not all of them matter. Whatever.
You think you’re a true original because you don’t like baseball? Sick dude, what a hot take. I’m fine with differing opinions, but people who hate baseball love to talk about it. They’re proud of it. They’re the people still bragging about getting a handjob in their mid-20’s. When they’re done they uber back to their parents’ house on dad’s credit card.
Is your attention span that fucking bad? Are you running late or something? Can you really not sit through nine innings of America’s pastime? Do you need to be fed a jelly bean every 30 seconds just so you don’t forget what sugar tastes like? You make me sick – I literally feel physically ill.
People who don’t like baseball are the same people who tell you they need to read more books. They claim that baseball games take too long, and instead you’ll find them getting lost in vacuous YouTube holes of Entourage highlights or Aziz Ansari stand-up.
You know why you hate baseball? There are five possibilities:
1. You Hate Tradition
Progressive thinking is a central foundation of American society, but it is not a substitute for our history. Just because people loved something in the 1930’s doesn’t mean it’s dumb and antiquated. You can still vote Democrat and love a day at the ballpark.
2. You Grew Up in a Shitty Baseball City
You’re probably from Mets territory. Or perhaps you’re from Santa Fe, Mexico, and the only sport you grew up watching was doing heroin. Maybe you’re from Kiev, Ukraine. I don’t fucking know.
3. You Have Severe ADHD
You can only exist in the constant state of an acid house techno rave. You have those stupid fucking Kanye shutter glasses, and you think they’re dope. You only eat funfetti icing. You suck.
4. You Blew at Little League
You are forever haunted by dragging your little league team down to your pathetic level of unathleticism. The coaches wouldn’t let the other players be mean to you. But you could see it in their faces. You couldn’t even hit the ball off the tee when it was teeball – why did your dad force you to continue year after year? Why can’t you ever make him proud?
5. You Hate Latinos
You’re an impenitent bigot and you can’t coexist with a sport where one-third of the major league workforce is Latino. If this is the case, your issues extend far outside of baseball and you should withdraw from societal involvement.
