While (attempting to) watch Clemson’s humiliation of Alabama on Monday night, I was struck by a simple truth that I had always known, but was never able to verbalize. College football kind of sucks, and I’m not even referring to the NCAA’s corruption or their biased selection committees. Here are five other reasons why.
1. First and foremost, college football has a parity problem. The playoff system, incorporated in the 2014-15 season, was meant to widen the field, but has arguably made things worse.
Here are the four teams each year, since the CFP’s inception:
- 2014-15: Alabama, Oregon, Florida State, Ohio State
- 2015-16: Clemson, Alabama (2), Michigan State, Oklahoma
- 2016-17: Alabama (3), Clemson (2), Ohio State (2), Washington
- 2017-18: Clemson (3), Oklahoma (2), Georgia, Alabama (4)
- 2018-19: Alabama (5), Clemson (4), Notre Dame, Oklahoma (3)
And here are the National Championship match-ups each year
- 2014-15: Ohio State beat Oregon
- 2015-16: Alabama beat Clemson
- 2016-17: Clemson (2) beat Alabama (2)
- 2017-18: Alabama (3) beat Georgia
- 2018-19: Clemson (3) beat Alabama (4)
I understand that the NFL, for example, sees many of the same teams in the playoffs each year. And for the most part, despite people’s whining, it’s usually the best four teams that make it in. But the above just isn’t fun to watch. In the NFL, you find the talent, personalities, and storylines that far outweigh any of these problems.
2. Unless you’re watching one of five teams in the country, there’s a maximum of six good players on the field at a given time. The overwhelming majority of these kids are never going to play in a professional league of any kind.
And that’s okay! Student athletes should be celebrated, and despite the outliers you read about in ESPN reports, most of them bust their ass inside and outside of the classroom.
But I have absolutely no desire to watch seven graduate assistants, two accountants, a future fourth-round draft pick, and a Wallgreen’s pharmacist try to navigate their way downfield.
3. The Heisman Trophy means absolutely nothing, and hasn’t for a long time. Walk with me.
Let’s isolate the 29 Heisman Trophy winners since 1989. Why not make it a clean 30, you ask? Because Barry Sanders won in 1988, and that doesn’t exactly help me with my point.
And of these 29 players, we can only really look at 28, as Kyler Murray is still at Oklahoma.
- Of these 28 players, only nine have made a single Pro Bowl in the NFL (and keep in mind that includes both Robert Griffin III and Jameis Winston)
- Only five of the 28 have made multiple Pro Bowls
- Of these 28 players, 20 are retired (I’m considering Sam Bradford retired), and of those 20 players, half of them didn’t even make it past six seasons
- Hell, three of them never even played a single down in the NFL
- And if these guys are truly the best players in all of College Football, shouldn’t they be going #1 in the draft?
- Of these 28 players, 18 of them entered the draft immediately after winning the Heisman – and only three of them went #1 (Carson Palmer, Cam Newton, and Baker Mayfield)
Some of the guys who have won the Heisman Trophy since 1989 – Ty Detmer, Gino Torretta, Danny Wuerffel, Chris Weinke, Eric Crouch, Jason White, and Troy Smith. I wouldn’t recognize Jason White if he was my own father.
4. Marching bands suck. They’re an unbearable jumble of brass instruments and acne in an awkwardly hurried tempo. At best, they sound like a beehive being attacked by a wolverine.
And they don’t shut up. Your offense is facing a 3rd and 8 – why are we celebrating with a rendition of Edgar Winter’s “Frankenstein?”
And then they do that stupid thing where they march in unison, and if you’re sitting a half-mile away in the nosebleeds, you can see that they’re forming the letter “G” or something. It’s really can’t-miss stuff.
5. If you become a fan of College Football and the NFL, there goes your entire weekend. The NFL owns Sunday, so Saturdays are devoted to the college game. I have shit to do on Saturdays.
Sundays suck. I could write an entire article on why I actually think they’re worse than Mondays (they are). Having the NFL to hug you and escort you from 1:00 pm to 11:30 pm on Sunday is a wonderous thing – and that’s not even counting the early-morning London games.
Why would I ever devote my Saturdays to college football? Here’s what I’m usually doing instead:
- Browsing various gum flavors at CVS
- Considering popping a zit, but not fully committing
- Watching old David Letterman interviews
- Procrastinating vital 401k research
- Sniffing the milk in my fridge
- Practicing lines from popular movies to impress my friends
- Farting into my hand and trying to smell it
