Uh oh! Memorial Day finally came and went and it’s finally occurred to you that your plan to get that summer bod didn’t go as expected. No worries! If you are still seeking that perfect summer look even though summer is essentially here, then check out my tips below:
1. Convince Yourself That Your Friends Don’t Really Like You
Come on – you’ve thought it for years. They talk about you when you leave the room, don’t they? They don’t really want to invite you to things but they take pity on you. You’re everyone’s least favorite friend. Indulge those lingering thoughts. That will make it easier to ignore the 4th of July BBQ invite and flake on the weekend trips. Don’t hang out with anyone this summer.
2. Hire A Body Double
On paper this sounds crazy. But you hire people to do things that you don’t want to do all the time. Don’t want to pick up your food? Pay a person to deliver it. Don’t want to take the subway? Pay a person to pick you up in their car. Don’t want to reveal your body to the world? Pay an absolutely chiseled person who looks enough like you but has a slightly worse personality to hang out with your friends. The person should be passable by your friends standards but obviously they can’t be more likable than you. Otherwise you’ll be in a real pickle come the winter when you emerge from hiding.
3. Learn To Juggle
Okay so you don’t want to stay in all summer but you don’t want people focusing on your body. Well then you’re going to need a party trick. Might I suggest learning how to juggle? This is the best way to distract people from your gross physique while keeping their eyes towards the sky. I would have suggested learning a card trick but they’ll be too busy focusing on that scary body of yours to even remember their card. Keep the balls in the air and enjoy that time in the sun!
