Another year, another Christ-like revival of the Philadelphia Eagles at the hands of Nick Foles. With Foles at the helm, the Eagles transformed a lost 6-7 season by winning their final three games and sneaking into the playoffs. They beat the Bears, then bowed out of the playoffs with a valiant losing effort in New Orleans. They now enter the offseason with many questions but still a seemingly very bright future.
The biggest question, however, has little to do with the Eagles’ free agency strategy. Despite what the delusional might say, Nick the Redeemer has to go. Carson has to stay. Sure, build Foles another statue – he deserves it. Philadelphia will always love him. But this is Carson’s team going forward.
I say this even in the aftermath of the “bombshell” Philly Voice article by some clown named Joseph Santoliquito, claiming that multiple unnamed teammates had painted Wentz as an offensive saboteur and a selfish locker room presence. Long story short, Santoliquito was looking for a hit piece to make waves, and has been anti-Wentz for long before he published this garbage. And for the record, Carson’s response to the whole thing was fantastic. But I digress.
So, what is the biggest question this offseason? How ‘bout this – what the hell happened to Wentz last season?
Everyone knows about the torn ACL and LCL that Carson suffered in Week 14 of the 2017 regular season. Carson was back starting by Week 3 of 2018, which some said was much too early, but good luck getting Carson to listen to that. Then, at some point during the season, Carson literally broke his back. It was reported that he had a stress fracture in his vertebrae – an injury he also had in college – and he once again didn’t start any of the final three games of the regular season.
So we’ve found the answer! Wentz wasn’t up to his lofty standards last season because he was still dealing with injuries! He should be fully healthy by the time training camp rolls along, and all should be good in 2019.
Not so fast, my friend. I’m proposing something else.
Carson wasn’t himself last season because he finally lost his virginity.
Wentz married his longtime girlfriend, Maddie Oberg, in mid-July of 2018. Both are very devout Christians who saved themselves for marriage. Things for Carson seem to have gone downhill since consummation, and perhaps the only thing that can save him now is divorce. I’m serious.
Before you say I’m crazy, there’s a deep history of superstition regarding sports and sex. Boxers have always avoided sex before a big fight and Floyd Mayweather, one of the greatest ever, is a subscriber to this theory. In the lead-up to his 2017 (joke of a) fight with Conor McGregor, Mayweather publicly admitted that he planned to abstain from sex until after his bout. Even Rocky believed this, and he’s the greatest boxer of all time. Muhammad Ali, the second-greatest boxer of all time, was rumored to not have sex a month and a half before his matches.
You can look at soccer too, as teams traveling to the World Cup often have complete sexual moratoriums. “There will be no sex in Brazil…this is not a holiday trip, we are there to play football at the World Cup,” said Safet Susic, coach of the Bosnian team leading up to the 2014 games. Mexico’s coach, Miguel Herrera, had similar things to say before traveling to Brazil: “I am thinking about soccer and I hope that the boys are thinking about soccer because nobody has died from practicing abstinence for 40 days.”
Some other great soccer quotes on the issue:
- Salomon Kalou, former Chelsea striker: “I’m a good boy – no sex the day before a match. If I had to choose which was better – football or sex – I’d say football. It’s 90 minutes of pure pleasure and I can’t always say that about sex.”
- Freddie Ljungberg, former Arsenal winger: “I noticed my feet got numb and I wasn’t as aggressive on the pitch if I’d had sex.”
Studies have shown that this superstitious connection is likely untrue, but athletes still seem to believe it. And the placebo effect is real, so sounds real to me. The original superstition reportedly comes from the ancient Greeks, who believed that sperm was the key to manliness.
The only exception to this rule seems to be Tim Tebow, who by the above logic, should have won seven Super Bowls and 12 MVPs.
